MARCH FOURTH!

I continue to apply to jobs with urgency.

I am comforted that it is now only the third month after graduation. This isn't a failure to launch, just delayed for stormy weather.

Besides, March in College Station is rather fun (not to mention profitable) with Beerfest and the insanity that is St. Patrick's Day at O'Bannon's.

Nevertheless. DO NOT think I am getting comfortable here. I stand poised to conquer the world and I'm not going to wait for some employer to make that happen.

If need be I will take things into my own hands probably in April or May.

Options include starting an escort service, becoming a itinerant musician (need to start those guitar lessons) or establishing myself as the dictator of a small Central American nation (I hear all you need is a military).

I'm kidding. Sort of.

When I started this blog, I thought I was going to write about my adventures traveling the world.

As most of you know, instead of going to Dubai, I am now searching for a job and trying to redefine my direction. Again.

Nevertheless, I have decided to press on and write my story... even if the setting is College Station, Texas instead of Dubai.

Job search

Today was full of pain.

Weirdly, I'm not crying.

Maybe this is a sign of being grown up? I don't want pity, revenge, justice or even a break.

All I want is a single quiet moment when I can just say: all is right with the world.

And so, I'm running to get there...

Like a cheetah stalking a gazelle. Rawr!

stopping for a moment

Everything has changed. Everything.

I'm breathless at how quickly all my well-constructed plans have vanished. All that time, effort - gone. Simply gone.

I'm going to need some time to cry a little. Something has died after all.

And it will be fine... Doubts become certainties. New opportunities appear. And even that dark thick choking gnawing fear? Peace comes.

The hurricane smashes your house to bits. But you rebuild. You hang up new pictures. You make new memories and you let yourself laugh again. It's part of being human.

Some day I will sit on a beach somewhere with no more on my mind than how warm and nice the sun feels. That's a good hope.

But here is the hope above hope - more awesomely powerful than death itself - higher than the whole world!

I am loved.

Don't stop, don't you dare stop now

It is now two days after my graduation and already I've become very aware of something.

Idleness and isolation are dangerous.

So, I fought back against the degenerating forces by taking out a 7 day free trial membership to a gym.

I was barely able to bench 54% of the weight I was lifting in October. Troubling.

Later my parents went over to have Christmas at my brother's. The house was so quiet I couldn't even read. So I went to the movies by myself and saw Precious.

As I drove home, something settled over me. Something I haven't felt in a long time.

Fear

I could feel it all around me like a dark cloud. Fear of more pain. Crushing crying in your bed, no escape, almost crazy pain.

I wish I could say that I had a revelation that left me calm and assured.
I wish I could say that tomorrow I will bound off to a future filled with peace, happiness and fulfillment.

But I can't.

Here's part of a review of Precious by Emma Johnson,

"Precious does not get a fairy tale ending by any stretch of the imagination: the road ahead of her will be hard. She very well may not make it. But those tiny victories are enough to sustain her — enough to keep her alive. And those moments are precious indeed."

Even if I don't get a job tomorrow, I'm going back to that gym and I will finish a workout.

The full review

Adulthood is realizing some things

Today is the first day I have woken up without the threat... without the excuse of school.

When I moved to Rio, I stopped painting, listening to music, reading, following (and ranting about) the news and working out regularly.

When I moved to Brazil I stopped working, left my friends and no longer would bike

though the cold morning air

watching the sun rise

jamming out to my iPod.

I realize now (God it pains me to say this) that in College Station I was happy. Really happy. I loved and was loved.

I cannot go back (nor do I want to) but still, as I mulled over my nebulous future I couldn't stop repeating that as I lay in bed this morning

on this first day without the promise or threat of school,

"it was there... beauty, I saw it..."

My self-pep talk...

On May 15th, 2009, I moved out of my apartment.

I did so because I was moving to Brazil:
1. I had no plan.
2. No job.
3. No contacts.
4. Fair knowledge of Portuguese.
5. Courage... or maybe it was the just desire to leave College Station had created so much pressure in my brain the force of it exploding literally propelled me into another hemisphere.

After 6 months, my visa is up and I am back in College Station.

I still have no job.

I don't feel like a failure exactly. I have been unemployed since October when I moved to another state to escape my employer. Packed up shop. Struck the tents. Left no forwarding address...

I was living with prostitutes and a fugitive from the law to save cash until I finally moved into my parents' for a breather.

When I'm feeling a little down I look around me and see most of my friends buying houses, all set up in their careers, i.e. NOT living on a credit card, and makes me wonder... for the briefest second... if maybe I should have pursued a little more traditional path in life.

HOWEVER:
1. I am smart.
2. I am strong.
3. I am young.
4. I will have all the material garbage someday.
5. I DO have a BIZILLION amazing friends right now.
6. I am loved by a stunningly gorgeous, brilliant marvel of man who I'm also crazy about.

Come to find out: I'm pretty courageous, actually.
Or maybe it's just that pressure in the brain thing again.